Is this really happening??

Hey,
It's been awhile..,.I had an amazing holiday season. Spent christmas eve and christmas morning with my family...I GOT A LAPTOP I know shocking!! I love it...my mom also got the family guitar hero....my sister got a laptop also, and my brother got an awesome banjo that he loves...and the boys of course got spoiled. christmas evening i met matthew at his dad's and i met a lot of the family and got to hang out with him and his sisters. for those of you who don't know his older sister veronica and i have been really really good friends for a long time she works with me. And i got to play with his niece and nephew before we went back to my parents so he could spend some time with them and my brother. That was nice. New years eve we spent at my friend Jenn's house just for like two hours we left about five after midnight and came home. and spent some time alone. I love that man with all my heart.
It blows my mind. how many of you remember all the years i said i'd never find anyone and i'd be alone forever...and i just wasn't sure it was in the cards for me...God is a smart guy. He was just under my nose for over a year...and now he has my heart. I told him last night "I can't believe you love me enough to want to spend the rest of your life with me" his response..."you better believe it" lol and he told me he can't wait for me to have his kids....he's amazing.
I can't believe i'm gonna get married....no he hasn't proposed yet but apparently he knows when he's doing it. I'm not supposed to know about that, but he's told a few people and i'm a little nosy...I just can't believe it. Me....I'm gonna get married one day.We talked about it the other day and we both want to have a wedding with in the next year and a half at the most. It's shocking how fast it can happen when you know you know...I just never knew it was possible to love someone as much as I love him, and to actually see yourself growing old, and raising children with someone...and be excited about it. wow....This isn't me this is someone else. :) hahahaha
well I'm just full of love and appreciation of what God has done with my life this past year...and what is to come...I'm so lucky and blessed....
love you all

miss my biff

I miss my best friend. No I don't have a reason as to why Imiss her, but why should I have to have a reason. I just miss being able to hang out whenever we wanted to, or sitting around at night talking about our day or going for a drink from time to time. Tara and I have this closeness that I could never put into words. but it's a closeness I don't have with anyone else. and Somedays I just need to feel that closeness. It reminds me that everything is going to be okay and that everything in my world is right where it should be. It's almost like as long as I have tara then I know everything is normal and I don't need to add anything else. does that make any sense?
Matthew just let my parents house we just layed on the couch and watched tv. I love that guy. it's nice that we can just hang around the family like he's been around forever. I'm feeling weird today and I don't know what it is or why. Just weird.....

I have feelings too.

I've been having a trying week. I found out on saturday that Jarrah the girl who we took up the collection for and bought her that expensive wig in fact doesn't have cancer, she never did. she has a very mild form of lupus. Her step mother called us on monday and told our manager as soon as she found out about our donations and the wig. We should have seen it coming. after she shaved her head she never lost any more hair....she doesn't have any brusies on her arms she would have gotten from getting her blood drawn and when your on chemo it thins your blood a lot....she just got a tattoo...it was quite the blow to all of us. we were all hurt and betrayed and in a state of shock and not to mention angry. but after a few emails from some very christ driven friends I was able to see what was really important in the whole situation and that is that we responded with christ like love. We did what knew in our hearts to be the right thing to do. and i've forgiven her. I just hope that she can find it in her heart to give us back the wig so we can give it to someone that needs it.
Sometimes I feel like i'm looked down upon for judged for not being married or having kids yet. yes i'm 28 but I was never ready until now. It's like there are people out there who think that i'm less of a woman or don't deserve to be included in certian things b/c of this fact. That i'm not worth the advice or talking to even b/c I don't have a family of my own.when people forget that i know more about kids and raising them than I should for not having any. I worked at a daycare for two years and people don't realize that you are a big part of raising those children. and I have children in my life more than a lot of people who actually have kids do. I hate when I see the look in certian peoples eyes when they look at me when i'm talking about kids. or how i'm put down for not having any. the whole "you don't understand you don't have kids" and statements like that make me withdraw from people faster than you can imagine. I do understand even though I don't have kids. I understand better than you could ever know. So you want me out of your life then say those type of things to me. and if you don't realize you've done that then you should probably think before you speak. It hurts. and I have a man in my life that i love with all my heart and i'd love to have children with him and if i'm not able to have children ever does that still mean i'm not worthy of knowing what it takes to raise them. does that still mean i'll never "UNDERSTAND" no I think not I think that means that God has other plans for my maternal instincts. i'm sorry but it takes a villiage to raise a child one person can never do it on their own they will always need support and help from others and if thats what God wants from me than i'm more than happy to give it but don't count me out for it.

great week

I'm sitting here at home as the snow falls outside listening to worship music feeling whole, complete, and overfilled. What an amazing couple of weeks it's been. God has been so present in my life and using me as his vessle to reach people talk about his love that i've been lucky enough to have. It's perfect....I know coming from perfect God. It's been amazing. and I've had a few amazing experiences. For instance. yesterday I was at work talkingto my friend Jenn about our personal relationships with Christ, how we got there what happened to us to bring us close to him. How he's led us in our lives, about the people he's brought into our lives and why. It was a very indepth wonderful talk and our friend Dale came out while we were talking about it and just sat down and listened. Dale isn't a believer at all....and after about ten min. we looked down at her and she was sobbing. she told us that it is amazing to her to listen to us talk cause she doesn't believe and it gives her hope that some day she will and that someday God will be there for her too. I started to cry and I told her that Jesus loves her and he has never left her and never will. I know she's going through alot right now and she's not ready, but God is always ready and he's just waiting on the sidelines with his arms wide open just waiting for her to come to him so he can wrap her up in his arms and guide her along and to take on all the pain she has right now....by the time I said all that I was crying and she was crying, and jenn was hugging us both. God is so powerful and to be used by him to reach someone like that is something i'll never be able to explain it's unreal. It was just amazing. I used to be scared to talk about God to people who didn't believe but now out of nowhere he's given me the words to do so. To touch the people who need him the most and it's been the best thing I've ever done. It was something I'll never forget and i'll always hold close to my heart.
I just got home from having dinner with Jamelle and Michele two girls from my emmaus walk it was a wonderful much needed get together I missed them, and the three of us hold each other so accountable and the unconditional love that we have for each other is shocking since we only knew each other for four days at the retreat. but it's very real and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. God has blessed me so greatly these past couple of years it's amazing and I just wish everyone could feel the perfectness of it like I do. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

Shannon tagged me

A. Attached or single? Attached
B. Best friend? Tara, Kassie, Sonya, Tabi... I am blessed with a lot of close girl friends!!
C. Cake or pie? Cake
D. Day of choice? Tuesday it's my day off
Essential item? toothbrush
F. Favorite color? Blue
G. Gummy bears or worms? Worms,
H. Home town? Crawfordsville
I. Favorite indulgence? eating
J. January or July? July
.K. Kids? someday
. Life isn’t complete without? Relationships
:)N. Number of brothers and sisters? 2.5 cause april isn't blood related
O. Oranges or Apples? Oranges
P. Phobias? Alcoholism
.Q. Quotes? God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called
R. Reasons to smile? God
S. Season of choice? Summer
T. Tag 5 people:
U. Unknown fact about me? I am a girly girl at heart
V. Vegetable? gren beans
. Worst Habit? biting my nails
X. Xray or ultrassound? Ultrasound
Y. Your favorite food? Pasta
Z. Zodiac sign? Cancer

what a weekend

I worked on the Walk to Emmaus this weekend. I went on my walk a year ago so now I get to work on team when asked. It was an amazing weekend. I was so uplifted and filled. the presence of God was so evident. The faces of the pilgrims glowed they laughed a lot and I got to see a lot tears some of which were my own. Christs love and devotion for us poured out of every person on team who was there out of love for strangers cause God called us to be, and to watch these woman go through what I went through a year ago was amazing. I got to pray with the speakers before they went down to do their talks and that was something that was incredible. I made some very close friends this weekend. I was adopted....it was just as life changing as the first time. I also got to see my 2nd mom "momma G." or as shannon would know her Kathy Ganser. :) go through it this time. what a blessing to be there and get to witness her walk with Jesus. Just the whole weekend was something I really needed and can't wait to do again when i'm called to do so.
I have a good friend at work named Jarrah Lemert. she's 19 and has Lupus. Her whole life she's gotten random tumors here and there and she's been through chemo to get rid of them...well they have recently found some tumors on her brain stem. There's not much they can do for those but give her Chemo again to give her more time and slow the progression of them spreading. Jarrah is a wonderful woman who has been through more in her life than i could even imagine. Her mom died when she little from Lupus. Her little brother died as an infant from Lupus. Her dad remarried and her stepmom abused her, her entire life. She broke Jarrah's jaw when Jarrah was seven by pushing her down stairs....Her boyfriend now is not very nice to her. He just cheated on her and got some other girl pregnant. But Jarrah stays with him cause she has no where else to go she won't go back to live with her stepmom. Jarrah has been through a lot and she's still incredible sweet and full of love. For christmas her dad was going to buy her, her dream wig since she has had to shave her head from the chemo. Well her stepmom wouldn't let him cause she didn't understand why they should spend that kind of money on a person who won't be around long enough to wear it. We heard this at work and so we immediatly took up a collection to get her wig for her. it is 108.00 we collected 130.00 we ordered the wig yesterday from online, and got her a car and some hair ties and I got the honor of presenting her with the card which told her of her wig.....what an amazing feeling to be able to help someone who means so much to us. she sobbed....which ofcourse in turn made us all sob. The best part of yesterday......sunday night Pastor Vicki and I prayed for Jarrah and we asked God to give me the words to talk to her about a relationship with Christ. I got my opportunity yesterday. I told her that we had prayed for her. and that God loves her with all he has, and he just wants to wrap her up in his arms and guide her where he wants her while she's with us....and I don't know what else I said He really did provide the words...Jarrah cried and thanked me and told me that the reason she's okay with all of this is b/c she's found Jesus and he's given her peace with her terminality. if she dies tomorrow she knows where she's going.....WOW. I cried I was so relieved. I don't want to lose her....but i know someday we will....and I know she'll be in the kingdom out of pain and out of harms way....God is good all the time...
all the time God is good.

the life of a server

I hate being sick, I have felt like crap since saturday. and they sent me home after my first shift today. Thats okay though b/c I was expoing tonight not serving so i'm not missing out on any money right now. I've come to the conclusion that serving is the easiest job i've ever had when we are slow but the hardest when we are busy. When we are slow it consists of us sitting around talking, not doing much and goofing off...but when we are busy it's a confusion of mulittasking, people pleasing, and rushing around. I can fill someone's drink, take and order, close someone out and place an order at the same time...I can close out three tables while i'm greeting two. sometimes when I just sit back and think about my job when we are really busy I"m shocked that I can even do it. People don't realize how hard it really is to be a server. To be nice to everyone all the time regardless of how they are being treated or whats going on in their personal life. I have to keep a smile on my face and be at a guests beccon call regardless of whether they are going to tip me 10% or 20%. I have to claim ten percent of my sales on every table even if they don't leave it. and I only get paid 2.13 and hour. So when I have a table who racks up a bill of 50 bucks, then only leaves me four. I'm still claiming I made 5 dollars on that table so I"m actually paying a dollar to have wait on them. People don't realize that. I make more money at my job than I have anywhere else....but that doesn't make up for the people who have no regard for the people who are taking care of them when they go out. Those people don't realize that they are hindering many woman from taking care of their children or paying their bills. it's stupid.
I'm not going to see matthew at all this week and It really sucks but i'm also so sick that I have no desire to do anything but lay around and sleep and hopefully kick this cold before I go on the retreat thursday. I meant to take this weekend for myself to get back in touch and relax. I've been so stressed and bitchy lately. but then I got sick and I spent the whole weekend cranky, coughing, and exhausted.
I'm tired of the election stuff. I don't trust anyone to run the country anymore. I never know what to believe and which person isn't just saying stuff to get my vote. I"m not voting. I don't like either of my choices. I think Mccain is just going to be another Bush and thats not gonna help the economy any, and I think Obama might be able to help the economy but I think he's going to try to make to many changes and things are going to blow up in his face....I just don't know what to think. It's actually kinda scary to me. I'm finally to that age where I care about my country and what happens to it. I care about the economy and where my money is going and I'm not sure either of the canadites are going to do whats best for the the country. I think i'll just move to fiji or something. okay I'm just bitching on here today.....I seem to be in a negative mood...that might have something to do with the fact that I can't breath and that snot is dripping out of my nose....so it's back to the couch for me.