miss my biff

I miss my best friend. No I don't have a reason as to why Imiss her, but why should I have to have a reason. I just miss being able to hang out whenever we wanted to, or sitting around at night talking about our day or going for a drink from time to time. Tara and I have this closeness that I could never put into words. but it's a closeness I don't have with anyone else. and Somedays I just need to feel that closeness. It reminds me that everything is going to be okay and that everything in my world is right where it should be. It's almost like as long as I have tara then I know everything is normal and I don't need to add anything else. does that make any sense?
Matthew just let my parents house we just layed on the couch and watched tv. I love that guy. it's nice that we can just hang around the family like he's been around forever. I'm feeling weird today and I don't know what it is or why. Just weird.....

I have feelings too.

I've been having a trying week. I found out on saturday that Jarrah the girl who we took up the collection for and bought her that expensive wig in fact doesn't have cancer, she never did. she has a very mild form of lupus. Her step mother called us on monday and told our manager as soon as she found out about our donations and the wig. We should have seen it coming. after she shaved her head she never lost any more hair....she doesn't have any brusies on her arms she would have gotten from getting her blood drawn and when your on chemo it thins your blood a lot....she just got a tattoo...it was quite the blow to all of us. we were all hurt and betrayed and in a state of shock and not to mention angry. but after a few emails from some very christ driven friends I was able to see what was really important in the whole situation and that is that we responded with christ like love. We did what knew in our hearts to be the right thing to do. and i've forgiven her. I just hope that she can find it in her heart to give us back the wig so we can give it to someone that needs it.
Sometimes I feel like i'm looked down upon for judged for not being married or having kids yet. yes i'm 28 but I was never ready until now. It's like there are people out there who think that i'm less of a woman or don't deserve to be included in certian things b/c of this fact. That i'm not worth the advice or talking to even b/c I don't have a family of my own.when people forget that i know more about kids and raising them than I should for not having any. I worked at a daycare for two years and people don't realize that you are a big part of raising those children. and I have children in my life more than a lot of people who actually have kids do. I hate when I see the look in certian peoples eyes when they look at me when i'm talking about kids. or how i'm put down for not having any. the whole "you don't understand you don't have kids" and statements like that make me withdraw from people faster than you can imagine. I do understand even though I don't have kids. I understand better than you could ever know. So you want me out of your life then say those type of things to me. and if you don't realize you've done that then you should probably think before you speak. It hurts. and I have a man in my life that i love with all my heart and i'd love to have children with him and if i'm not able to have children ever does that still mean i'm not worthy of knowing what it takes to raise them. does that still mean i'll never "UNDERSTAND" no I think not I think that means that God has other plans for my maternal instincts. i'm sorry but it takes a villiage to raise a child one person can never do it on their own they will always need support and help from others and if thats what God wants from me than i'm more than happy to give it but don't count me out for it.

great week

I'm sitting here at home as the snow falls outside listening to worship music feeling whole, complete, and overfilled. What an amazing couple of weeks it's been. God has been so present in my life and using me as his vessle to reach people talk about his love that i've been lucky enough to have. It's perfect....I know coming from perfect God. It's been amazing. and I've had a few amazing experiences. For instance. yesterday I was at work talkingto my friend Jenn about our personal relationships with Christ, how we got there what happened to us to bring us close to him. How he's led us in our lives, about the people he's brought into our lives and why. It was a very indepth wonderful talk and our friend Dale came out while we were talking about it and just sat down and listened. Dale isn't a believer at all....and after about ten min. we looked down at her and she was sobbing. she told us that it is amazing to her to listen to us talk cause she doesn't believe and it gives her hope that some day she will and that someday God will be there for her too. I started to cry and I told her that Jesus loves her and he has never left her and never will. I know she's going through alot right now and she's not ready, but God is always ready and he's just waiting on the sidelines with his arms wide open just waiting for her to come to him so he can wrap her up in his arms and guide her along and to take on all the pain she has right now....by the time I said all that I was crying and she was crying, and jenn was hugging us both. God is so powerful and to be used by him to reach someone like that is something i'll never be able to explain it's unreal. It was just amazing. I used to be scared to talk about God to people who didn't believe but now out of nowhere he's given me the words to do so. To touch the people who need him the most and it's been the best thing I've ever done. It was something I'll never forget and i'll always hold close to my heart.
I just got home from having dinner with Jamelle and Michele two girls from my emmaus walk it was a wonderful much needed get together I missed them, and the three of us hold each other so accountable and the unconditional love that we have for each other is shocking since we only knew each other for four days at the retreat. but it's very real and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. God has blessed me so greatly these past couple of years it's amazing and I just wish everyone could feel the perfectness of it like I do. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

Shannon tagged me

A. Attached or single? Attached
B. Best friend? Tara, Kassie, Sonya, Tabi... I am blessed with a lot of close girl friends!!
C. Cake or pie? Cake
D. Day of choice? Tuesday it's my day off
Essential item? toothbrush
F. Favorite color? Blue
G. Gummy bears or worms? Worms,
H. Home town? Crawfordsville
I. Favorite indulgence? eating
J. January or July? July
.K. Kids? someday
. Life isn’t complete without? Relationships
:)N. Number of brothers and sisters? 2.5 cause april isn't blood related
O. Oranges or Apples? Oranges
P. Phobias? Alcoholism
.Q. Quotes? God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called
R. Reasons to smile? God
S. Season of choice? Summer
T. Tag 5 people:
U. Unknown fact about me? I am a girly girl at heart
V. Vegetable? gren beans
. Worst Habit? biting my nails
X. Xray or ultrassound? Ultrasound
Y. Your favorite food? Pasta
Z. Zodiac sign? Cancer

what a weekend

I worked on the Walk to Emmaus this weekend. I went on my walk a year ago so now I get to work on team when asked. It was an amazing weekend. I was so uplifted and filled. the presence of God was so evident. The faces of the pilgrims glowed they laughed a lot and I got to see a lot tears some of which were my own. Christs love and devotion for us poured out of every person on team who was there out of love for strangers cause God called us to be, and to watch these woman go through what I went through a year ago was amazing. I got to pray with the speakers before they went down to do their talks and that was something that was incredible. I made some very close friends this weekend. I was adopted....it was just as life changing as the first time. I also got to see my 2nd mom "momma G." or as shannon would know her Kathy Ganser. :) go through it this time. what a blessing to be there and get to witness her walk with Jesus. Just the whole weekend was something I really needed and can't wait to do again when i'm called to do so.
I have a good friend at work named Jarrah Lemert. she's 19 and has Lupus. Her whole life she's gotten random tumors here and there and she's been through chemo to get rid of them...well they have recently found some tumors on her brain stem. There's not much they can do for those but give her Chemo again to give her more time and slow the progression of them spreading. Jarrah is a wonderful woman who has been through more in her life than i could even imagine. Her mom died when she little from Lupus. Her little brother died as an infant from Lupus. Her dad remarried and her stepmom abused her, her entire life. She broke Jarrah's jaw when Jarrah was seven by pushing her down stairs....Her boyfriend now is not very nice to her. He just cheated on her and got some other girl pregnant. But Jarrah stays with him cause she has no where else to go she won't go back to live with her stepmom. Jarrah has been through a lot and she's still incredible sweet and full of love. For christmas her dad was going to buy her, her dream wig since she has had to shave her head from the chemo. Well her stepmom wouldn't let him cause she didn't understand why they should spend that kind of money on a person who won't be around long enough to wear it. We heard this at work and so we immediatly took up a collection to get her wig for her. it is 108.00 we collected 130.00 we ordered the wig yesterday from online, and got her a car and some hair ties and I got the honor of presenting her with the card which told her of her wig.....what an amazing feeling to be able to help someone who means so much to us. she sobbed....which ofcourse in turn made us all sob. The best part of yesterday......sunday night Pastor Vicki and I prayed for Jarrah and we asked God to give me the words to talk to her about a relationship with Christ. I got my opportunity yesterday. I told her that we had prayed for her. and that God loves her with all he has, and he just wants to wrap her up in his arms and guide her where he wants her while she's with us....and I don't know what else I said He really did provide the words...Jarrah cried and thanked me and told me that the reason she's okay with all of this is b/c she's found Jesus and he's given her peace with her terminality. if she dies tomorrow she knows where she's going.....WOW. I cried I was so relieved. I don't want to lose her....but i know someday we will....and I know she'll be in the kingdom out of pain and out of harms way....God is good all the time...
all the time God is good.

the life of a server

I hate being sick, I have felt like crap since saturday. and they sent me home after my first shift today. Thats okay though b/c I was expoing tonight not serving so i'm not missing out on any money right now. I've come to the conclusion that serving is the easiest job i've ever had when we are slow but the hardest when we are busy. When we are slow it consists of us sitting around talking, not doing much and goofing off...but when we are busy it's a confusion of mulittasking, people pleasing, and rushing around. I can fill someone's drink, take and order, close someone out and place an order at the same time...I can close out three tables while i'm greeting two. sometimes when I just sit back and think about my job when we are really busy I"m shocked that I can even do it. People don't realize how hard it really is to be a server. To be nice to everyone all the time regardless of how they are being treated or whats going on in their personal life. I have to keep a smile on my face and be at a guests beccon call regardless of whether they are going to tip me 10% or 20%. I have to claim ten percent of my sales on every table even if they don't leave it. and I only get paid 2.13 and hour. So when I have a table who racks up a bill of 50 bucks, then only leaves me four. I'm still claiming I made 5 dollars on that table so I"m actually paying a dollar to have wait on them. People don't realize that. I make more money at my job than I have anywhere else....but that doesn't make up for the people who have no regard for the people who are taking care of them when they go out. Those people don't realize that they are hindering many woman from taking care of their children or paying their bills. it's stupid.
I'm not going to see matthew at all this week and It really sucks but i'm also so sick that I have no desire to do anything but lay around and sleep and hopefully kick this cold before I go on the retreat thursday. I meant to take this weekend for myself to get back in touch and relax. I've been so stressed and bitchy lately. but then I got sick and I spent the whole weekend cranky, coughing, and exhausted.
I'm tired of the election stuff. I don't trust anyone to run the country anymore. I never know what to believe and which person isn't just saying stuff to get my vote. I"m not voting. I don't like either of my choices. I think Mccain is just going to be another Bush and thats not gonna help the economy any, and I think Obama might be able to help the economy but I think he's going to try to make to many changes and things are going to blow up in his face....I just don't know what to think. It's actually kinda scary to me. I'm finally to that age where I care about my country and what happens to it. I care about the economy and where my money is going and I'm not sure either of the canadites are going to do whats best for the the country. I think i'll just move to fiji or something. okay I'm just bitching on here today.....I seem to be in a negative mood...that might have something to do with the fact that I can't breath and that snot is dripping out of my nose....so it's back to the couch for me.

Yea.....I love him.

Here I am sitting at Matthews house feeling so incredibly lucky.
He's a great guy and I know we haven't been together very long but we've known each other for over a year, and well.....we were talking marriage with Tara last night, and we both know this is it. I do love this guy a lot. he's amazing, and he'll do anything for me. I had a very busy week. I worked 12 days and 16 shift in a row so I was ready for a day off, and to drink last night woot woot. It was a fun halloween party until ryan trying to beat ass...but he does that and we all know and love him for it. lol. I had so much fun. but the conversations at the end of the night in the basement was the high light. I love the good conversations with Tara those are the things memories are made of. lol.
Matt and I have been laying around all day....or okay let me rephrase that I've been laying around all day. we went to church and then after church we went to my parents house so my dad could help Matt with his accounting homework. We walked in the living room and Matt spotted the Hulk dvd so he got all little dorky kid excited and we had to watch that movie first. so I layed on the couch and kinda fell asleep during the movie. then I layed on the couch and fell asleep again while my dad was helping him with his homework, and now we are back at his place laying on the couch with a fire going in the fireplace and watching CSI. it's a perfect sunday.
I'm so happy right now. things in my life could only be better if I was able to get a car. lol. okay well I'm gonna get off here now and watch this show.

My amazing sister

So I just got home from Chicago where Matt and I went to watch my sister run the marathon. As I said in my earlier post she is an Elite runner which is a really big deal in the running world. I don't care what anyone has to say about it I always have been and always will be my sisters biggest fan. Since she was in sixth grade I've always known that she would reach her running aspirations. She's amazing and so determined and gifted. I love her so much and I'm so incredibly proud of her. Her family I will allow to come into a close second or even MAYBE as big of fans of hers as I am. ;) All morning on the train I was so nervous for her...Matt kept telling me to calm down and that she's going to do great....and she did.
She was in her 14th mile she was 18th overall, and on her goal pace...my last updated text me said she was on track for a 2.46 time (two hours and fourty six min) her goal this year was to be in the top twenty overall....you have to remember thousands upon thousands of people run in this marathon every year...thats a pretty heft goal and she was right on track for it. but in her 14th mile she started to have a hard time breathing her asthma was kicking in....and it became an issue of health and she had to make the hard decision to drop out. But that didn't matter...she knew she made the right decision for her body...and it doesn't change the fact that she is one of the fastest marathoners in the nation....(don't be modest annie). She got to the medic tent for an inhaler treatment and the medic told her that her heart rate was only in the seventies but her respitory was twice what it should be. he was shocked at what great shape she is in.
My sister is amazing....how many people can go out there and run 14 miles at a 6:21 mile pace...let alone 26 miles...Her determination, will, passion, love, and strength will never fail to amaze me.
After the race we went to lunch with my Sister, Casey, Cooper and Will, My brother and his friend, my parents, Me, Matt and my really good friend Melissa who recently moved to chicago it was a fun brunch I guess is a better word. My family got a chance to get to know Matt and he was so excited about it. He loved them all, and Melissa and I got to catch up and she got to catch up with my family...plus I just got to spend time with my family that I don't get to see enough. After lunch Melissa Matt and I walked around chicago went in a few stores and just hung out it was a great time. I'm totally exhausted now and just wanna sit and relax for awhile.....
peace

FAJITAS

Had a pretty good day today...Work was interesting. My good friend Candi got arrested on Sunday night and missed work on Monday...no one really knew why and couldn't figure out what she could have done except for maybe a DUI well come to find out....Her boyfriend had her car out on Sunday night while she was in bed cause she was sick, he hit another car and got out of the car and took off running cause his license is suspended, and when the cops got there they ran the plates and they went back to Candi's boyfriends sister cause candi is in the processes of buying her truck off them, they gave the cops candi's number and showed up at the house to arrest her. She told them she wasn't driving and that Cecil was and they didn't believe her although they had no proof who was driving at all, they arrested her, found out she had a warrant in Fulton county for a bounced check and held her for three days til we could bail her out today.......yea pretty messed up, but anyway I got to see her today after she got out she came into work and She's doing alright.
I worked a double and we were dead. I made five bucks tonight and only had two tables totally not worth my time but i came home to Sonya and our friend Telinna doing their homework, and Sonya made us Fajitas and they were AAAWWWWEEESOOOMMMEEE...I have the best wife ever. and I did the dishes while telinna finished up her homework....and continued to finish up her homework as I did 100 ab lounges and sonya did an ab work out of her own on the couch....and then Telinna continued to finish up her homework as sonya sat at the dining room table in utter silence and when she finally finished her homework we took about a billion random pictures.
It's amazing to me how much my life has changed in a year. Mostly for the good. I do love where I live and everything but I miss my elkhart friends more than words could ever say. I never get to see you guys enough. I mean I love our little town and I love love love living so close to the lake and I love our apartment.....it just sucks I wish we could apparate to each other's houses and be there in a blink of an eye....or I could stick my head in a fire place and show up in your fireplace for a conversation.....Harry Potter had it so easy....:) okay I gotta head to bed.

ME LIKE COOKIES!!

So I text sonya today around seven thirty complaining we didn't have anything in the house to curb my period cravings....I got a text back that said and I quote, "what do you want hubby" of course as the good husband that I am I told her I didn't want her to pick anything up b/c she'd been gone all day working and going to school and I knew she just wanted to come home...well she showed up with two things of betty crocker cookies....one chocolate chip and one peanut butter so here it is ten o'clock and I just made cookies and they are amazing. Not to mention she also brought home tortilla chips and nacho cheese, and chili cheese fritos. So she walkedin the door and ate all the left over spaghetti, chips and cheese, then two cookies, then chili cheese frito's she's so damn lucky....anyway my cookies are amazing. And I love that we are making them this late. :) lol these are the days of my life that I am glad to be alive. :)

Things are GGGGRRRRREEEAAAAT

Okay i'm trying to get the hang of this thing...Sarah is on the phone I said I need blog spot help and she was very exasperated by that comment. I love her she's funny...so to hell with it i'm just gonna start writing now.

Things in my life are going so well. My job is going great I'm having a blast there and my living situation couldn't be better. I have a roommate that I love and we get along great. I LOVE our place its right by the lake and it's so pretty.

My friends are amazing and I love them all dearly. I've made it to elkhart the past three weekends and i've gotten to spend time with Tara and Ryan and Dan and Amanda thats been nice. But of course the best part of why things are so great is my new boyfriend. Matthew Jessie. He's great. yea he's only 21 but he's far more mature than I am. He just bought a house in South Bend and he's almost done with school. He's so good to me. And unbelievably sweet. When I first told Tara about him her first words were "so you're gonna try dating a nice guy for once" lol but it's true he's amazing. I know it's the "honeymoon" stage, and we have only been dating for a few weeks....but he's definitly different than any other guy i've ever been with. And the biggest plus all my elkhart friends love him. lol

We are going to Chicago to watch my sister run the chicago marathon on Sunday. She was invited this year. One of only three American woman who were invited to run. All expenses paid. she gets a five min. head start so she doesn't have to fight with the men for position, she's so excited and i'm so excited for her. She's in the top 15 elite American marathoners now...Yea I'm a bit proud. but anyway okay well I have things I need to do....

UGH!!!!

Okay this thing is really pissing me off. I can't get it so I can add tara but I can add sarah. I don't know how this damn thing works someone help me out.